Are you completely incapable of getting the fuck out and staying the fuck out? The world doesn’t revolve around me, I know, but I only mean it in terms of my life. Seriously I heard it mentioned that you were back in town yesterday and I’ve been nauseated ever since. You’re the worst person I have ever known. The worst. And you did so much damage to me that I am still not over it. People think I’m over-dramatizing or laying blame elsewhere when it was all my fault, but I’m not and it wasn’t - thinking about you physically upsets me because you’re poison. I don’t have time to be upset and I don’t hate you or wish horrible things, I would just like you to exit my aural periphery and get the fuck out of my small circle of existence. Nobody should be happy to see you coming, but if they are it’s on them. To me, you’re like the fucking black plague.
You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they’re going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o’ Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It’s no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won’t get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be “I’m sorry, what?” Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it’s automated, they can hack it.
He’s eaten deep-fried, batter-dipped bacon in sausage gravy, a deep-fried moon pie, Navajo fry-bread, and deep-fried peaches. I am so fucking hungry right now. It is October 15-November 7. I think we need to have a serious discussion about the possibility of going to this if the Arizona government stops this racial profiling bullshit. It takes 34 hours to get to Phoenix. It only takes 30 hours from the Wisconsin Dells (Neil Gaiman) and we would get to go through Iowa, Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma, Texas, and New Mexico. THESE ARE ALL STATES WE HAVE NOT DRIVEN THROUGH YET, WEENIE. If not this year, then for sure next. I’m not even kidding. I want to drive across the entire country with you.
Did you know that Arizona threatened to cut California’s lights out because Cali said their immigration bill was bullshiz and Arizona supplies most of Cali’s energy? I think that is perhaps my favorite state-on-state bitch fight ever.
At this point I would legit be happy driving to the Sunoco with you, tbh. That is how desperate I am for some Weenie time. I’ll be there tomorrow night for a little bit if everything goes according to plan. Then maybe you’ll be out on Sunday and we can have movie/Mad Men night if you aren’t too tired.
I have to go. Samantha Brown is on and I hate her guts. But I love your guts, and the rest of you, too.
Remember the time I was really sick and, to make me laugh, you read Pride and Prejudice in your Pete Wentz voice? Somewhere, some crazy bitch’s eyes are rolling back in her head because someone’s being mean about him, but I don’t care. This is still one of my favorite things ever,
it’s ridiculous when people claim to campaign for glbt rights and are all for the gays and their little slash stories but then use derogatory terms like faggot, gay or the apparently new popular term “fgt”. just because you took out the vowels doesn’t mean you’ve changed the meaning of the word…
I agree. Now an honest question because I can’t keep up with this PC stuff: if you only use the word gay to designate someone who is homosexual and not “girly” or “lame” as some do, it’s not derogatory, right? Just checking. And if it is, what is the right term that doesn’t sound formal?
Gay is completely fine if you’re saying, “Oh, my friend is gay” or something similar. Then again, some people hate the term gay and prefer queer. Either way, you won’t offend anyone as long as you’re not saying “Ur so gay” or “That’s gay” or using it as slang for lame or effeminate. Carry on! <3
Maybe I'll tell you about the things that you're missing.
I’m sure the land of push-button morphine and nerve blockers is no-doubt making you feel awwwright right now, but for now I have to tell you about something important: the new season of The Real Housewives of New York. So. First of all, Bethenny and Jill Zarin are aren’t friends anymore? In the beginning of this season Jill was blabbing to the press about Bethenny and what a bitch she is? Anyway, then Alex became the nice one (what) and Ramona cried about her dead dad, and the countess isn’t a countess anymore because she divorced her husband and lives in the Hamptons full-time now, which is killing her, because oh my god don’t you know she needs the city? Anyway, I’m sure you’ve very sorry for ex-countess Lou Anne or whatever (like the King of the Hill girl, right?), but let me tell you about this vacation they took.
I don’t even know where they are, but I would like to go there soon. The water is so blue and the sun is so bright - unfortunately it shows off their liver spots perfectly. They’re all in bathing suits, which makes my eyes cry, but that isn’t even the best part. THEY’RE ALL GOING COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE. You remember Kelly, right? Okay so Bethenny did the nice thing and made them all gift bags for their beautiful ocean-front getaway. The gift bag has sunglasses and towels and beach stuff, and is in a Skinny Girl bag, because Bethenny is also a marketing whore, right? WELL. Kelly couldn’t have reacted worse if Bethenny had put a severed horse’s head in front of her door. She like dug through the bag and then started to cry, saying that it was impersonal and a horrible gift, and that she didn’t know why Bethenny would do this. Cue a phonecall to Jill Zarin.
So Kelly tells Jill that she’s been having nightmares of Bethenny killing her, like in Psycho. And she’s all “I keep imagining her going ree-ree-ree over me with a knife.” And then? “I can’t even imagine Jason kissing her, because her mouth is full of knives.” AND THEN SHE STARTS SOBBING LIKE BETHENNY IS LEGIT TRYING TO KILL HER WHILE THEY ARE ON VACATION IN THE VIRGIN ISLANDS. Insert Bethenny’s unimpressed face here. Ramona is being Ramona, and Alex is all “My gay Australian husband is at home making pancakes with the boys, Bethenny, what kind of cocoa powder should they use?” in an attempt to get Kelly to stop calling Bethenny a cook. PS, Alex’s bathing suit looks like something Naomi wore on Mama’s Family, I shit you not.
Meanwhile, Kelly shuffles out of her room no doubt looking for more cocaine, and lo, she has twelve-pack abs and leaves this writing pad for complaints, thinking everyone could write down their bitchy thoughts. Then she leaves to go work out some more and everyone starts smack-talking her because lol, why write it all down when you could just complain about someone behind their backs? THEN Kelly, who 3 episodes ago couldn’t even work her point-and-shoot on the street, has an SLR and is taking pictures of the girls on the beach in bikinis ala Sports Illustrated, only she’s doing it in the worst light imaginable and with the worst poses ever. Don’t make a 40-something housewife get down and crawl around like a “sexy lion,” okay? Just no.
OH HO HO, but then here comes Alex. She is bone white and stick thin, and she’s making faces like she wants to punch someone. She looks like she’s seething while Kelly keeps saying “soft mouth. Think of little Johan’s soft baby mouth.” It doesn’t help. Alex still looks mad. It’s like that scene in A League of their Own, where they’re trying to teach Marla Hooch how to walk.
Meanwhile, Jill Zarin is on ice skates in Connecticut, skating with Johnny Weir, and then Jill Zarin is all ~DOAN MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE, WHO’S BEING MEAN TO KELLY? But even Jill Zarin said Kelly was blubbering on the phone. Apparently she still isn’t friends with Bethenny, whose name I am probably misspelling. Jill Zarin isn’t afraid of Bethenny and she’ll beat Alex’s face in if she says anything and neither you nor ex-Countess Lou-Anne can say shit about it, okay? Jill Zarin is going to the fucking Virgin Islands, okay?
So Bethenny’s making them all dinner and Kelly is standing there with her stupid pink phone on speaker, talking to her daughter and Ramona is like “hey go in the other room with that” because it’s impolite to do that, you know? You don’t stand there blabbing on your phone on speaker when everyone is getting ready to have drinks and stuff. Then Kelly is =/ and she doesn’t want to eat the food Bethenny has made and manages to work in a couple more ~you’re a cook, not a chef jabs. Then she doesn’t want to sit across from Bethenny because she thinks she’s going to mock her all night. And she doesn’t want to eat her crabcake. Bethenny is running back and forth and making sure everything looks good and tastes good. Meanwhile, Kelly is looking crazier and crazier every time the camera cuts to her, and THEN Ramona is sloshed and she’s trying to apologize to Bethenny for being mean about her on the Brooklyn Bridge like 4 episodes ago? And Kelly is like “Are you gonna kiss with tongues?” “Are you gonna make out?” And Ramona and Bethenny AND THE ENTIRE VIEWING AUDIENCE GO …wtf and then immediately start talking about how batshit Kelly is.
WELL. Kelly then turns the accusations onto Alex, who for once wasn’t doing shit, and she tells everyone that she thinks Alex is a demon. Then she mentions ~ btw, that Bethenny has tried to kill her many, many times. Ramona is behind her chair, making the international sign for coo-coo, and everyone else is like …lolwut but they’re starting to get really scared, too, because Kelly is for real legit crazy and not just a bitchy bitch. Bethenny celebrates this as the best dinner party she’s ever had, because now everyone knows that Kelly is insane, whereas before they didn’t believe it. Meanwhile, Kelly is crying while laughing and telling Ramona to put her hair up because she’s Al Sharpton. No, really, she said that and it had even less context than it does in this blog post. Kelly also thinks that Bethenny sold her out to the press and that Bethenny is insane because she came on this trip right after her dad died. While lobbing these accusations, Kelly is eating Jelly Bellys by the handful.
AND THEN THE UGLY TRUTH COMES OUT: KELLY IS GOOD FRIENDS WITH GWENYTH “FAKE MUSHROOMS” PALTROW. WHO DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING.
So in summation, Bethenny is a ree-ree murderer, Alex is the devil (or a vampire, actually), Ramona is Al Sharpton, Jill Zarin is JILL ZARIN MUTHAFUCKAS AND SHE’S COMING TO THE FUCKIN PARTY NEXT EPISODE, and Kelly is a crazy-ass hobag. I can’t even wait.
I love every little thing about being a New Yorker. I can’t imagine living anywhere else.
I love the diversity. I have grown up around people of every race and religion, and it seriously throws me when I travel somewhere and find myself surrounded by white people. I love the mix of people…
This is probably the best essay on NYC I’ve ever read. I have to tell you though, from an outsider’s perspective, the subway is easy if you don’t panic and know the difference between uptown and downtown (which you can tell just by looking at the map in any subway station), I’ve never been cussed out by a New Yorker for asking directions, AND this extremely kind woman at Quickly in Chinatown leaned over to show us the right way to add our ingredients to the broth for our shabu shabu. I have never experienced the quintessential “rude” New Yorker. If anything you guys put up with 8 million wide-eyed tourists, and handle it with aplomb. I’d move tomorrow if I could, and then we could walk the streets at 3am together. <3
If I could take your place, I would. I mean it. Lots of people probably say shit like that, but I’m serious. Hey where the fuck do I sign? If I could I just would, despite the fact that I’m am fully aware that I am terrified of the following (including but not limited to):
hospitals in general, needles, being touched by people, touching things other people have touched, touching things without hand sanitizer, doctors, nurses, golden staph, putting my phone down, going to sleep, EKGs, blood pressure cuffs doing more damage to my already fucked up tendons and nerves, getting an iv, having blood drawn, being forced to lie on filthy hospital sheets in a filthy hospital bed in a filthy hospital, sick people, dead people, the morgue in general, cafeteria food, the dubious cleanliness of hospital eating utensils, having surgery, being examined, even being looked at funny, being without my laptop, being sick, getting stitches, having tests performed, the smell of hospital disinfectant, the uselessness of hospital disinfectant, having panic attacks, snapping and beating up medical professionals, running into someone like Amber who wants to take blood from me, making terroristic threats and winding up in the psych ward, the likelihood of a hospital being ground zero for the inevitable zombie apocalypse, oxygen cannulas, being put under general anesthesia, needles, having my blood sugar tested, MRIs, having to wear a filthy hospital gown somebody has probably died in, the likelihood that people are dying in the same building as me rightfuckingnow, hand-washes that last less than the prescribed 20 seconds, latex gloves, stethoscopes, condescending smiles, breathing tubes, the cold beeping of machines, and beds with rails.
I probably wouldn’t make it out alive or at least without some jail time due, but I would bear it in a second and with a shit-eating grin if it meant you’d get to get the fuck out of there already. I’m not trying to sound brave or anything - I’m actually the biggest pussy ever and I freak out and cry in hospital parking lots and make myself sick and refuse to wear my shoes in the house if I’ve been in a hospital unless I soak the shit out of the soles in Lysol and then leave them in the sun in the hopes that the UV rays will kill anything still lurking. I would do it. I wish I could so much, and really I was just hoping that writing that list would alleviate the hysteria that has set in. It has not helped. You know what helped? Imagining myself killing all the incompetents who have taken care of you thus far. In my head today I have sprayed the place in bullets, set doctors on fire, and punched them all in the face repeatedly until their heads were pulp. Anyone who says creative visualization doesn’t work for anger management issues is fucking lying.
Kidding aside, you know how I get, and I’m sorry for freaking out. It’s just that it seems like nobody’s doing shit and there you are, in pain and in the dark about things. Surely somebody has to know something, right? It’s a whole fucking unit full of doctors and nurses, right? I’m trying to check the knee-jerk reaction to just send some death threats or threaten to have people fired, but those only seem like good ideas because I can’t actually do anything. I can’t take your place or perform psychic surgery or make you better. I wish I could.
You’re the indestructible one, so this is triply scary. I miss you so fucking much; just when things were settling down, huh? I’ve never not been there, you know? You’ve always been there for me. When shit goes down it’s just the unwritten rule that Bizzyween will stick together and do what needs done. I can’t be there for you right now because someone else needs me, and because there’s nothing I can really do. It’s like this perfect storm of shit right now.
WHY IS THE AMERICAN HOSPITAL SYSTEM SO FUCKING INCOMPETENT? FIRST DO NO HARM MY ASS. I HOPE YOU ALL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST AND THEN LIVE OUT YOUR AGONIZING DAYS BEING TAKEN CARE OF BY DOCTORS AND NURSES WHO ARE JUST. LIKE. YOU.
For years, scientists thought that the function of sleep was merely to rest the body and mind, but recent research suggests that sleep is essential for both learning and creativity. It’s no surprise that people who are well rested learn better and are more creative. What is new is the value of sleeping after learning something or during a break in trying to solve a problem. Studies have looked at the benefits of taking naps as well as sleeping through the night.
During sleep, rat’s brains (and yours) practice what they’re recently learned.
Researchers have discovered that your brain becomes very active when you sleep, and that during certain phases of sleep, your brain becomes even more active if you’ve just learned something new. In an early study that identified this process, rats were hooked up to measure the electrical activity of their brains while they learned a maze. Later, while the rats were sleeping, the researchers observed that their brains were emitting the same pattern of activity they had emitted during maze learning. Apparently, the rats’ brains were “re-running” the maze in their sleep and using this time to consolidate their
memories of what they had learned. These rats performed better on the maze the next day than rats that were prevented from re-running the maze during sleep.
This same phenomenon has been observed in human learning. In other words, if you learn something and then sleep on it, what you’ve learned becomes clearer just as a function of sleeping. But what’s even more interesting is that sleeping on a problem helps people find better solutions. In a study titled “Sleep Inspires Insight,” participants were given puzzles that involved finding the final number to complete a series of digits. The way they were trained to solve the puzzle was to compare every two-digit pair in the series. What they were not told was that there was a shortcut that allowed people to identify the solution after only two steps. Participants performed three trials of the puzzle and then were given an eight-hour break before returning for ten more trials. Some of them slept during the break and some did not. The people who slept between the two sessions were twice as likely as the others to discover the easier way to solve the problem. According to the researchers, sleeping on a problem apparently allows for a restructuring of the brain connections, “setting the stage for the emergence of insight.”
k so we want album work done,just a cover fpr a cd and of course a logo on it we are releasing an E.P that is we are pying about $2000 for and we want it to be superb.. we want it to be really super cool and epic. detailed and precise our budget.. we will discuss it. we want an angelic demon…